So...

My cousin Jordan passed away in October. I haven't really felt ready to write about him, or talk about him much... I'm still not sure if I'm ready yet, but since I'm bringing it up now, I think that's a step in the right direction.

After Jordan returned from his mission to Tallahassee, Florida it was discovered that he had a tumor. I don't want to go into all of the details. Suffice it to say, the tumor was cancerous -- Adrenal cancer. He was only 22 years old.

I've had a few months to reflect on everything since he's passed on. I'm still processing things, but I think I have a slightly better outlook on it than I did in October. Definitely a lot better.

Jordan was getting better, it looked like things were improving. He was feeling a lot better, was having fewer issues... and then it's like everything suddenly changed for the worse. It was a huge, drastic change. He had been doing so well. I know that I was still hopeful, and I know that he was, too -- I was so in denial about his situation. Thinking about the possibility that he would pass away angered me.

I guess a few days prior to the event that I'm going to really discuss, I was a mess. I was so angry and upset. Mad at God. "This is not fair!" "He still has a life to live!" If anyone deserved to live their life and die an old person, it was Jordan. I've never known anyone so honest and truly charitable and loving as him. And I guess the hardest thing for me to deal with was the fact that he was told that he would live -- God doesn't lie to people. Sometimes I still have difficulty with that.

I stayed up late one night, on the phone with my fiance, sobbing and screaming into the phone. Rob listened, and he sympathized with me. I will never forget how my wonderful, amazing fiance seemed to hold me while I cried and agonized over the phone. I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the fetal position while laying on my bed. He said a lot of words that at least helped me to calm down enough to stop my irrational tirade and allowed me to fall into a fitful sleep.

I was on the way to work the next day when my fiance called me and told me that it might be a better idea to try and see Jordan one last time before he passed away, that that would mean more than simply attending the funeral. I agreed with him. I checked my e-mail on my break later in the morning -- about 10AM on October 9th -- and there was a message from my aunt and uncle that it was clear that my cousin was dying and would not live for much longer. They weren't even expecting a week.

I called Mariah, Jordan's oldest sister. She was trying to hold herself together, and it wasn't working. It wasn't working for me, either, but I knew that I had to stay strong otherwise we were just going to be a crying mess on either end of the phone. I asked her if she was going to go to Michigan to be with her family (she was going to school in Utah), and she said that she was on the fence about it. She wanted to go, but didn't want to go alone, didn't want to face it by herself, didn't want to travel alone -- and who can blame her? I followed a prompting and made a split-second decision, told her that I would go with her if her family would be comfortable with me being there. She said that she would call her dad and talk to him about it, after making sure that I was serious. I assured her that I was indeed serious, told her that I needed to go back to my work station and talk to the management that was there about the situation and ask if it would be okay for me to take a few days off without pay as I had run out of vacation days as a result of my own illness during the summer. I told her that I would be going on my lunch break at noon, and to call me shortly thereafter so that we could talk further.

I went back to my desk and couldn't concentrate on work. I walked over to my team lead, JC, and tried to explain the situation -- but I couldn't get through it. I lost my composure and started sobbing. He was amazing, too. Roxanne, who sits near JC and is another team lead, heard me crying and she walked over and hugged me. The two of them took me to an empty conference room that was nearby and talked to me for a little while. They both told me that I could absolutely take a few days off -- they were willing to give me however many days off I needed. Roxanne said that she would talk to a supervisor to get their official approval. They let me stay in the conference room until I was able to regain my composure, and I returned to my desk. I felt a little better and was able to focus in on work and block out everything else.

Richard, Roxanne's supervisor, came to my desk. He pulled up a chair and sat down next to me, and asked, "How are you doing?" I answered, "I'm okay."

He looked at me for a second and then said, "No, you're not."

I could feel myself starting to tear up again, and I shook my head. "No, but I will be." He agreed, then he told me that he had spoken to Kenji, his boss, and they all agreed that I was to take off as much time as I needed. He asked me, "Do you need to leave now?" I answered, "No. This is keeping me focused on something else. I need that right now. I need to concentrate on something else." I told him that I was planning on flying to Detroit later that evening, to hopefully see my cousin one last time before he passed away. He nodded and told me to go home whenever I decided that I needed to go home. I thanked him for his understanding. I am still so thankful for how he reacted to the situation.

Noon rolled around and I headed towards the resource library at work, AKA the computer lab. I can't remember if I called Mariah or if she called me -- but I remember her dad, my Uncle Kenny, called me and then conferenced her into the call. We talked for a long time -- about an hour and a half. We arranged that I would fly to Salt Lake City that evening, my flight was going to leave at about 5PM, pick up Mariah, and the both of us would fly to Detroit the next morning. We were going to stay the night at our Uncle Bruce and Aunt Jenn's house. We would fly back to Salt Lake City on Monday, and I would fly back to Portland on Tuesday.

I went back to my desk, shut everything down and locked up, clocked out as of noon when I went on lunch, and explained to JC that I was catching a flight at 5 and needed to go home and throw clothes into a suitcase and take off for the airport. He told me to go, and that he'd see me when I came back, to call if I decided to stay in Michigan longer or if my plans changed at all.

My management team is truly amazing, and I will be forever grateful for how they handled the situation.

I walked out of the building and ran into Richard, who asked if I was leaving. I confirmed, and he said, "Good. Now go, and I hope the best for you and your family."

I called my fiance as I was walking towards my car. I felt clarity of mind, I wasn't emotional at that point, and I felt like I had a clear derective. I asked him if he would be able to drive me to the airport and drop me off, he said he would.

We reached the airport in time for me to run to my gate and board my flight about 2 minutes later, due to the fact that traffic on the way there was so wonderfully slow. I flew to Pheonix and caught a connecting flight to Salt Lake, where my Aunt Jenn and Mariah picked me up. It was after 11PM at that point in time. When we reached their house, Uncle Bruce was waiting for us. He gave me a big smile and pulled me into a hug, and I can't think of a better way he could have welcomed me. Those simple gestures were so calming and meant so much to me. Aunt Jenn then led me to one of her son's bedrooms which had been vacated and told me that I could sleep in that bed for the night. She gave me a towel so that I could take a quick shower in the morning, said goodnight and left me to go to sleep.

We left on Saturday morning at about 6AM, 5AM per my body's clock. Uncle Bruce drove Mariah and I to the airport that morning and dropped us off. I would have liked to spend more time with my Uncle Bruce, he strikes me as a very incredible man, but I feel like making the decision to go and see Jordan was the correct one to make at that time. Mariah and I flew to Pheonix, met up with our grandparents from Bakersfield, and the four of us flew to Detroit together, our grandparents in the seats across the aisle from us.

To be continued at a more decent hour...