I've had to do one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life so far... and I'm still not done.

How do you tell someone you love, that you'd marry in a heart beat, that you want to have a family with, that you can't be with them? I mean "can't be with" as in breaking up. It's killing me, tearing my heart apart... I just... my Eternal family is my top priority, and the man I love doesn't hold that as a top priority. Actually, he seems to want it but isn't really willing to work for it. He doesn't understand the importance of temples and the impact they have on people's lives, he doesn't understand how necessary it is for me to have the temple in my life. He doesn't understand, and it's killing me inside.

He can't promise me that we wouldn't get divorced if we were married. I agree with divorce in some situations, like abuse or infidelity, but overall I'm not a supporter. If I've made my choice then I've made my choice, and I'm going to stick with it. He doesn't seem to have the same standard, doesn't seem to really care. He seems really apathetic about it all, and that kills me. I know that it's a lot to promise, and sure things just don't work out a lot of the time, but really? You can't even say that you intend to stay with me? He doesn't know what he's looking for in a wife. I asked him, and he has no clue. He said he wants someone who has the same moral standings that he does. End of story. Well, do you want someone like me? Do you want someone who's strong in the Gospel? Whose goal is Eternity? Or, once you have it, will you still be unsatisfied? Will you continue to question? Will you never be happy, never be content, always search for more? With the way he talks, it sounds like we'll get married and five years later, when the newlywed cuteness has worn off, he'll get tired of me and want a divorce. I can't have that... I would rather die.

Not like it matters anyway... he knows I won't settle for less than a temple marriage, and he won't even be eligible for that until at least December. Then he wants to wait longer to actually get married. How much longer? I don't know. Ten years? Could be for all I'm sensing. I hate this. I hate wanting to be near him all the time, wanting to hold him, wanting to be with him. I want to go to sleep with him at night, I want to wake up to him in the mornings, I want to laugh with him, I want to love him. I do love him. I love him so much.

I feel like I've compromised a lot with him. I feel like I've been trying so hard, giving up so much, and he doesn't see it. He doesn't know how hard everything is for me, how much I've struggled and tortured with trying to be patient and move forward under no guarantee that my efforts towards this relationship will lead anywhere. I feel like sometimes he just doesn't really care. I feel optional to him, whereas to me he's vital.

We talked for a little yesterday. He picked a public place to talk, and the whole time he was getting up and walking around. Throwing up walls to try and protect himself, shutting me out. He wouldn't tell me what he was thinking. All he said was, "I don't see how you wouldn't have these same concerns with someone else." My response? If the man I marry has the same goals and the same priorities as me, we have a greater chance of making it work. Right now he has different goals than I do. He doesn't understand tons of the things I do. He's experienced a lot of the world, but he hasn't experienced a lot of the Spiritual world.

He feels like he has to always take the hard way about things, to prove to himself that he's making correct decisions. He said he's glad that things aren't easy for him. I'm not glad. I'm ready to move onto the next step, and he won't even be eligible with the basics until he's taken out his endowments. I feel like he's not close to the mind frame he needs to be in for the next step. I want to be married, I want to start my life with him... and he's not ready for me. I've spent my whole life so far, preparing to be married. I know I have a lot of things I need to improve on, things I need to change about myself, but for the most part I really feel ready. I don't know if I can spend another year with him, keeping my distance, with the hope of eventually marrying him if he changes.

This is so hard. I'm writing about his flaws, about the things that are really bothering me about him. He's so amazing. He started a new life here to pick up a clean slate and refresh his life. How much strength of character must that take? He's already been changing so much even since I've met him, since we started dating. I just... I see him over analyzing things and not including the Spirit in his decisions. I have to have someone who will follow the Spirit. Analyzing is fine and encouraged, it is good and necessary to know about what you're faithful in -- but you need to include the Spirit. Sometimes you need to step away and ask, "How do I feel about this?" before moving on in study. I don't think he's at that point... then again, I don't really know. He doesn't talk to me about things like that.

Our talk last night... he was walking around, taking any excuse to not have this conversation with me. Talking to people, walking away to find people to talk to. I sat in a chair and waited for him to come back. Eventually he picked up his books and came over to me with my purse. I stayed seated. He asked, "Are you okay?" I said, "No. No, I'm not okay." And he asked, "What's wrong?" And I said, "Everything I've been telling you. Everything we've discussed." "That's really bothering you?" he asked. He sounded so... shocked? Of course it's bothering me. Of course it has been bothering me. He sat down and asked, "Do you want to see who else is out there?" I started crying. I told him I don't know what I want, when in actuality I want him to be the man I'm looking for. I want him to take responsibility and get his priorities straight and be the man for me. I feel like he's one of the people on this earth that I can build an Eternity with, but the timing is all wrong. He's not ready for that kind of a commitment. I'm not even entirely sure he's ready for a relationship, let alone marriage. I feel like if this was happening a year from now, if we were dating a year from now, he might be closer to being ready. At least I'd have a better idea of how he'd react to the temple.

I want him. I want him so badly. I want him, I want to be his. I want to be the woman he comes home to every night, the woman he has children with, the woman he cherishes and loves beyond degree. I want to be the woman he holds, the woman he talks to, the woman he kisses, the woman he wouldn't live without... and I think that sometimes he feels that way, but for the most part he just wants to sleep with me. Which hasn't and won't be happening, no matter how much I return the desire.

How did this happen? How did it get to this point? Every time I think about him I start crying. It hurts me so much... I love him so deeply, and I feel like he is just so incredibly far from being ready to even think about taking me as his wife.

This sucks. It just... sucks. I don't want to be alone again, I don't want to be without him in my life. He means so much to me, I love him so much!! What would I have to do to keep him? Would I have to not care about Eternity?? Would I have to have sex with him?? Would I have to compromise my morals, my standards??

He won't talk to me. I asked him for his thoughts, and he didn't say anything. I want to know what he's thinking, what's running through his mind. I want to know, I want to know, I want to know... I feel like I need to know. I need to know where he's coming from before any decisions are made about our relationship. I need to know... I hope he tells me. I want him in my life so badly. I want to have his children, for crying out loud! I would trust him with my children!!