What would you do if you knew you were dying? How would you spend your last days? What would be your last wish?

When I die, I want to be cremated. I first want to donate my organs, and then I want to be cremated; it's cleaner and much cheaper to do that, than to be laid to rest in a coffin. I would want my ashes to be scattered in Japan, over the most beautiful sakura blossoms there are. I have never been there, and that is the one place above all others where I wish to go; to Japan, to visit my friends and to see the beautiful cherry trees.

My last days would be spent in peace, I think. I wouldn't want to go running around in an amusement park, I wouldn't want to go to parties and do all the crazy things that I used to do. I would want... I do want... to spend my days restfully. I want to be with Jaden and Kaylee and Samantha, but mostly Kaylee, because I know that she is my little sister, whether we are related or not. I love Jaden and Samantha to death, but they are toddlers, and toddlers don't like to sit still for very long. Samantha, as you know, I would claim as my child any day, but for one reason or another, I think it would be better to spend my time with Kaylee.

I would want to be with my family, and my extended family. But I wouldn't want anyone to know that I was dying, or if they did, I wouldn't want anyone to feel the least bit sorry for me. I've lived my life well, and I've done a lot of things; not always admirable things, mind you, but I have done a lot of things.

I've never felt that I would live a long life; perhaps that is why my vision of the future is scattered. Perhaps that is why school isn't as important to me as it should be. Perhaps that is why I would rather be playing with the small children outside, than staying inside, communicating with other people my age, excluding the best of my friends. I was born to be outside, in nature; I love the beauty so much, and whether I'm around forests and oceans or mountains and deserts, I just know that God put those particular trees in that particular spot, specifically for His children. Specifically with me in mind; how else could there be perfect scenery everywhere I go?

The world is beautiful. There are waterfalls, rivers, snow, rain, sunshine, rainbows, clouds, sunsets and sunrises, mountains, lakes, rocks, flowers, trees, grass, ivy, animals of all varieties, colors of all shades, minerals of all types. Indeed, the earth is beautiful; and if earth is this beautiful, think of what heaven could be like... I don't know if everything will be white and gold in heaven, but I hope not; I hope that there are plants, colors, clouds, sunshine and rain, snow, rocks, and animals. I hope that heaven has all of the beautiful aspects of the world, as well as even better parts to it. And I hope that one day, I will see everyone that I know up there.

I want to feel loved in my dying days. I just want to be loved.

I don't know if my death is drawing nearer, but to me, it isn't the end. Death is something that should be glorified, because only after death can our souls be perfected. Only after all the pain and suffering, as well as joy and good times, can we be made perfect.

I want to stand before God, and have him say to me, "Well done, my beloved daughter. You have done very, very good things with your life on earth; and now, I would like you to join me and my beloved Son, and live with us forever."

How wonderful can that be? I suppose I'll just have to wait and find out, whether that be in a day, a year, or ten years.

My baby is gone.

I raised her... I changed her diapers, I fed her... I watched her learn to sit up, I watched her learn to crawl... I helped teach her how to walk, how to eat with utensils, how to speak... I helped potty train her, I read to her, I sang to her, I told her stories, and I took very, very good care of her. How dare her mother take her away from me! She doesn't deserve her, she barely even recognizes her child as being hers. And now, thanks to her, I can't see my baby again... my baby, my precious baby girl...

She's two years old, and she'll be three in July. Her favorite movies are Mulan, Spiderman, and Spirit. Her first word was 'mama.' Her second word was 'doggy.' She loves to watch Dora the Explorer. Her favorite color is pink, closely followed by purple. For Christmas, she got a tricycle from Santa Claus. On her first birthday party, she put her face in the cake. People laughed. I gave her a bath afterwards.

My grief is very much; my heart is torn in two. Just the thought that I will never see her again cuts my soul open and makes me bleed from the inside-out. She's my baby, I raised her, I love her.

She got her first real bed two weeks ago. It has Disney Princess sheets. She calls it her 'princess bed.'

I'm empty. Totally devoid of every emotion except for sadness. I can't stop this from happening, I know... but the fact that I never got to say goodbye to her... how cruel can a person be...?

I need thee every hour, O gracious Lord. No tender voice like thine, can peace afford. I need thee, oh I need thee. Every hour I need thee. Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to thee.

She's my baby, my beautiful baby girl.